No More Mister Nice Guy
In my post yesterday I said, "No more Mister Nice Guy." To prove that point, I’ve dug out something my brother sent to me a few years ago. Though authored by Dennis DeYoung, I can’t be sure which Dennis DeYoung actually wrote it. Considering Dennis DeYoung (of Styx) has been a prolific songwriter, it’s quite possible he wrote this:
If I Were An Evil Overlord
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I have usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to a fight one-on-one and asks, “Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?” my reply will be, “No, just sensible.”
8. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No,” and shoot him.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will be a large red button labeled “DANGER! DO NOT PUSH!”
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant destined to overthrow me – I’ll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum. A small hotel room well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste my time making my enemy’s death look like an accident. I’m not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn’t believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word “mercy”; I simply choose not to show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plans that he (or she) is able to point out will be corrected before implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of a cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday devices myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he has caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence, “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
Oh, one more thing: